Losing My Mind

It is a crystal clear, snow-blanketed morning in Reno today and I am as unhappy and bitter as ever. I find NO satisfaction in this work, though I am blessed beyond comprehension to be employed at this time in history. Today it is more than just work dissatisfaction. that has been a constant my entire life. I feel adrift without any sort of steering mechanism. My field of vision is narrowing to the point that I see only computer and TV screens followed by black nights and jarring awakenings each day. Where has euphoria gone? I laugh rarely and noticed the joy of it on a rare occasion the other night. Where has it gone?

Why do I continue to lose it, completely lose my mind, heart spiraling like an out-of-control rocket toward near certain destruction? My head hurts constantly. Neck pains define my existence. I am not a good dad. Patience ends like a solid wall of blackness on a downhill freeway.

I am a bad dad...not steady, not consistent, not firm, not fair. I want OUT! Out in general and specific...somehow I have lost my mind. I fear that I am one misstep away from eternal horror...though I know Christ is in my heart and His place is being prepared.

Would money solve some of this? If I had all of that, would it matter? Look at the mess Tiger Woods finds himself embroiled in. Has all of his money saved him from the cliff? Is it only today that will see me plummeting into the depths of my despair? Will exercise bring me about? When home comes in to view, will the cloud lift? Did my parents ever feel like this? Did my dad feel like this ever?

I am a lost soul in some ways...my eternal soul belongs to Jesus, but this plane has left me open to attacks from the prowling lion. Out of nowhere the beast has struck me on occasion, when I am not guarded with God's armor, when I am weak and wounded.

Leaving for the gym in maybe ten minutes...15 minutes of cardio and then some weights to relieve some of this constant black miasma. 2007 Fife Zinfandel at home tonight for cocktail hour and another evening of swirling fear, abated for a short time.