Grinding Metamorphosis

Alprazolam 0.5 mg. It is Monday morning after the Thanksgiving 2010 four day holiday weekend. Creeping black dread descended on me like a Dementor this morning. Halfway to work on the 395 I ate one of the aforementioned tablets, after which a minor amelioration of my inexplicable melancholy began to take temporary hold on my downward spiral. What is it about this season that exacerbates my predilection toward bottomless depression? It is only during these short days and long, cold nights that this bleak thing mauls me like a fierce, slow-motion bear.

We are waiting. Waiting for word from a far off bank that may or may not say yes to our mad idea of radical change. I have loathed my worklife for at least ten years, though the reality is that I have felt this disenchantment for far longer than that. Working for the government in any capacity, a school district is no better than a sewer district for the back-of-the-house employees, has worn my very being down to exposed nerves. Dread gives way to panic that yields to horror as I near the end of my 22 minute commute. I have dragged myself to this place, or another that is identical save for the address, for over fifteen years. God has granted me a periscope into a life that could be, but I must rise to the surface on His path or be drowned by the evil one again and again. There are always newly rearranged distractions that lead me off God's path. Buy another car, have another glass of wine, read one more page of the latest news on CNN.com.

U-Swirl. Raleigh, NC. 2675 miles between Reno and Raleigh. $400,000, 90% of it borrowed from an SBA lender. Three kids to an entirely new culture. Or will it be Portland, OR? One coast or the other. Only God knows.